Posts
…With some simple answers by Steve Roney
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes why do we still have monkeys and apes?
While this sounds like a stupid question and a stupid error, it is in fact the foundation of both Marx and Nietzsche.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Or maybe as sailors in a high gale?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
Wrong question, male chauvinist pig!
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?
I think we have to leave that up to the innocent bystander personality to decide.
11. Is there another word for synonym?
Yes, but it amounts to the same thing.
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Not so long as it makes us perfect.
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Above the tree line.
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Threaten him with extinction.
15. If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
That, or lien on his crop.
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only by someone cruel and insensitive. He's merely survivability-challenged.
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
They fear someone will hide in there until his car has pulled away to avoid paying.
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he homeless or naked?
Same as an egg: he's fried.
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
They're pre-shrunk llamas.
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Only if they hold a poetic license.
21. If the police arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
No; goes without saying.
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Affirmative action.
23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
The power of advertising.
24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
No; they hate the honking noise when they bite into the noses.
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Peanut butter and jelly injection machines.
35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Until the wee hours…
36. Before they invented drawing boards what did they go back to?
Reinventing the wheel.
37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Not necessarily. Do bugs enjoy buggery, bats battery, or cuttlefish cutlery? I think not.
38. If all the world is a stage where is the audience sitting?
They're on the platform, waving goodbye.
39. If God dropped acid would he see people?
Far out! So this creation thing was all a bad trip?
40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns do the rest have to drown too?
No; all must drown simultaneously, or lose big points.
41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular why is it still #2?
The number one has been reserved for military use.
42. If work is so terrific how come they have to pay you to do it?
For the tax base.
43. If you ate pasta and antipasto would you still be hungry?
Not especially. If, however, you eat them both simultaneously, you will create a black hole that will suck you in like spaghetti.
44. If you try to fail and succeed which have you done?
Founded another dot com.
45. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
You're supposed to use traps.
Source: George Carlin & Steve Roney
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