Advice for Seiko

Mother

 As introduced previously, correspondent Seiko is a forty-five-year-old man who has suffered lifelong  anxiety and depression.

You describe your parents as impulsive and not thinking of the consequences of their actions. This fits with the diagnosis of narcissism. Narcissists tend to act on their immediate desires, because nothing else is so important to them, and because they believe themselves of ultimate importance, they can often expect the universe itself to conform to their desires. They are often surprised and angry when it does not. To an extent, they are delusional. 

My father inherited the family company when my grandfather died. He promptly bought a mansion in the most expensive part of Montreal, and joined an exclusive golf club. None of these were luxuries my grandfather, when he built and ran the company, would have treated himself to. He lived in a modest home on the edge of a small town.

Within six years, the company was bankrupt. My father treated it like a toy to satisfy his immediate desires. 

I once bought a model helicopter for my wife’s little brothers and nephews, on a visit to her home. Her father grabbed and ran around with it until he had broken it. The kids never had a chance to play with it.

You say that your parents seem stupid, childish, not evil. 

This is what evil looks like. 

Being evil means thinking only or at least primarily of yourself and your desires. Small children are like this, because they have not yet figured out there are other consciousnesses in the world, like them. We find it cute in a small child, because they do not know any better. Narcissists do. Narcissists act the same way, because they still reject the existence of any other consciousnesses in the universe. It is no longer cute or innocent, but it may look cute to us because it looks childlike.

Being good means seeing others as moral equals.

But surely, you will say, your parents are not as evil as, say, Hitler, or Charles Manson. After all, they haven’t murdered anybody.

In reality, they are more purely evil than Hitler. Hitler was capable of denying himself his immediate desires. This is how he was able to rise to a position in which he could kill so many people. He was brave—bravery is a form of self-denial. A more fully evil person is not capable of bravery. This is likely the only reason they are not, themselves, murderers. The evil is in the intent, not the act.

Hannah Arendt coined the phrase “the banality of evil.” There is an older saying, “the devil is a gentleman.” The most evil people will not stand out publicly as evil. Standing out as evil would require both courage and honesty; the very worst people will lack both, and will act timidly in the comfort of their own home.

But what could be more evil than tormenting a small child? A child you brought into existence?

You complain that your parents favour your younger brother. This also fits the diagnosis of narcissism. Narcissists always favour one child over another. This gives them power and makes them the centre of attention. 

They will always favour the child who is least impressive, the runt of the litter, and will reject or oppress the more impressive siblings. The more impressive child looks to them like a rival, while they can conceivably claim all credit for anything the weaker child accomplishes—supposedly entirely through their help.

If your parents consistently favour your younger brother, you can take this as confirmation that they are more impressed by you.

Have you ever read the story of Snow White, or Cinderella?