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Unfortunately, my current landlord has supplied me with a cable TV service that features only one English-language channel: BBC News. And it’s beginning to get annoying.
I don’t mean the BBC’s celebrated left-wing bias, or the odd fact that one rarely sees an Englishman on the BBC. I mean an overall lack of standards. Maybe I’m a naïve colonial, but I had always associated the BBC with a certain rigour—fact-checking, precision of pronunciation, and so forth.
And I’d especially expect them to get it right when the story is about Canada. After all, they used to run the place.
But no, BBC, “God Save the Queen,” when played in Canada in the presence of the Queen or her heirs, is not “the British national anthem.” It is the Canadian royal anthem. No, the Vancouver hockey team that so recently and so slenderly lost the Stanly Cup playoffs is not the CANucks; this is the standard nickname for Canadians, fercrissakes. The capital of Manitoba, once the third-largest city in the Dominion, and featuring frequently in your weather reports as the target of an impending cold front, is not “Winny-peg.” And the stress in “Newfoundland” is not on the second syllable.
Makes you wonder what else they get wrong, elsewhere. And these guys recently ran a quarter of the world?
Okay, the veneer of sophistication is now off. So while I’m, at it, let me also advise you pommies right here and now that “Fiona” is not an appropriate name for a human. Neither is “Penelope” or “Rebecca.” Anything more than two syllables is putting on airs, and nobody will like you for it. Proper people names are “Gordon,” Howie,” “Donna,” or “Anne.”
There’s more, while I’m at it. Ditch that pommy accent. Everyone thinks it’s gay.
Words end or don’t end in “r” for a reason.
Everyone knows you won the Second World War. Time to move on.
Those James Bond films aren’t fooling anyone. We know you’re not still secretly running the world.
And you had to hire Scots and Irish to play the part. The English are not suave. Two words: Mr. Bean.
And must you always say "thank you very much indeed"? When you always say it, it only comes across as insincere. A simple "thank you" will do.
Where are we? Your women are ugly, your food is inedible, and your weather is awful. No wonder you left to conquer the world. What choice did you have? I would have left too.
Winny-peg indeed.
Seriously, though, just kidding, guys. I really want to give all you Brits a big hug.
Only trouble is, if I did, you'd probably have a heart attack from the unfamiliar human contact.
I don’t mean the BBC’s celebrated left-wing bias, or the odd fact that one rarely sees an Englishman on the BBC. I mean an overall lack of standards. Maybe I’m a naïve colonial, but I had always associated the BBC with a certain rigour—fact-checking, precision of pronunciation, and so forth.
And I’d especially expect them to get it right when the story is about Canada. After all, they used to run the place.
But no, BBC, “God Save the Queen,” when played in Canada in the presence of the Queen or her heirs, is not “the British national anthem.” It is the Canadian royal anthem. No, the Vancouver hockey team that so recently and so slenderly lost the Stanly Cup playoffs is not the CANucks; this is the standard nickname for Canadians, fercrissakes. The capital of Manitoba, once the third-largest city in the Dominion, and featuring frequently in your weather reports as the target of an impending cold front, is not “Winny-peg.” And the stress in “Newfoundland” is not on the second syllable.
Makes you wonder what else they get wrong, elsewhere. And these guys recently ran a quarter of the world?
Okay, the veneer of sophistication is now off. So while I’m, at it, let me also advise you pommies right here and now that “Fiona” is not an appropriate name for a human. Neither is “Penelope” or “Rebecca.” Anything more than two syllables is putting on airs, and nobody will like you for it. Proper people names are “Gordon,” Howie,” “Donna,” or “Anne.”
There’s more, while I’m at it. Ditch that pommy accent. Everyone thinks it’s gay.
Words end or don’t end in “r” for a reason.
Everyone knows you won the Second World War. Time to move on.
Those James Bond films aren’t fooling anyone. We know you’re not still secretly running the world.
And you had to hire Scots and Irish to play the part. The English are not suave. Two words: Mr. Bean.
And must you always say "thank you very much indeed"? When you always say it, it only comes across as insincere. A simple "thank you" will do.
Where are we? Your women are ugly, your food is inedible, and your weather is awful. No wonder you left to conquer the world. What choice did you have? I would have left too.
Winny-peg indeed.
Seriously, though, just kidding, guys. I really want to give all you Brits a big hug.
Only trouble is, if I did, you'd probably have a heart attack from the unfamiliar human contact.
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