The Platform of the Alliance for Canadian Unity Party

Were he alive, we feel sure he would want to lead us.

Amidst writs dropping everywhere, Canadians of all possible ridings are heading to the proverbial polls. Maclean’s Magazine has recently outlined the platforms of the various Canadian federal parties.

But for one. They have omitted the platform of the utterly inevitable, albeit not entirely existent, Alliance for Canadian Unity Party (A-CUP). Slogan: Forward into the future with real change you can believe in that makes a new difference.

So let us make up the deficiency here:

Taxes: the other parties miss the essential problem here. They all promise lower taxes, or warn of higher taxes, as if anyone cared. It is not that Canadians hate taxes. It is that they hate doing math. Taxes make you do math. Why is the HST, and before it the GST, a special grievance? Because it makes it so difficult to count change. Why do those on payrolls like bigger government, while the self-employed want government small? Because the former never see their income taxes go—they are taken off at payroll. But the latter have to wrestle with the Revenue Canada forms.

This argues, in the first case, for a simple flat tax at a nice round number: say, 10% sales tax, 25% income tax. No exemptions, no loopholes, just send it in, and thanks. Businesses will be forced to quote prices tax included. And, just to put the cherry on top, everyone gets a little rebate when they submit a return. Say $100. This way, we will soon have the majority of Canadians believing the government is paying taxes to them.

Defense: Canada is in the fortunate position of not actually needing any defense. If anyone but the Americans choose to invade, the Americans would stop them. If the Americans choose to invade, nobody or nothing could stop them.

Unfortunately, it seems we have signed on to NATO. We have done this, no doubt, as Justin Trudeau says, out of CF-18 envy. NATO officially requires us to spend 2% of GDP on defense, even though little that NATO does is relevant to the actual defense of Canada.

The trick is to find some way to spend this money so that it is actually useful to Canada.

Theoretically, our most vulnerable border with a non-NATO nation is in the Arctic. And there are a great number of unemployed Inuit in the area…

Let’s equip them all with weaponized skidoos, and put them on regular patrols. The money we spend on defense could then be more or less directly subtracted from welfare costs. On top of that, the skidoos could all be built right here in Canada, by Bombardier, boosting the Quebec economy. We might even build this into an armaments export industry. Surely Russia will want its own armoured skidoos to contend with our armoured skidoos?

He's already filed his papers.

Immigration: This is a difficult issue, the worst kind, one with two sides. On the one hand, we need new immigrants to sustain our vast social welfare system. On the other, lower-income Canadians worry about immigrants taking their jobs.

We propose a simple solution: we allow only immigrants who will undertake a solemn oath not to take anyone’s job, but go immediately onto the social welfare system. Or just stay at home themselves, and send their families.

Health: We will legalize all drugs, without prescription. As people will then begin to self-medicate, we can save most of the money now spent on health care. And be much happier about it.

Unemployment: We believe that any current problem with unemployment can be easily solved by making it illegal for women to work.

Child Care: See above.

Senate: Granted that the Constitution says we must have a Senate, does it actually say anywhere that we have to pay them? 

Let's not, and see what happens.