The Dead Don't Die

 

I recently stumbled across Jim Jarmusch’s “The Dead Don’t Die” on Apple Prime. When I saw it was from Jarmusch, and starred Bill Murray, I had to watch. And for most of the movie, I thought it was great. Lovely absurdism, lots of Americana, lots of cultural references. Lots of famous cameos. Very deadpan and low key. My cup of tea. 

But I really felt Jarmusch lost it with the ending. The movie has not had a great reception, and I think it is because of the weak ending. It just fizzles out. Not to give any spoilers, I will not say how it does end, at least more than I need to for a setup.

Here’s exactly where it goes off the rails: Jarmusch has Bill Murray as police chief turn to Adam Driver as his deputy, sitting in a police car surrounded by zombies, and say, “how is it you have a feeling this is going to end badly.”

And Driver says, “I read the script.”

To me, too obvious. An old Crosby/Hope Road gag. And it makes the ending predictable—a deadly dramatic error. No punchline, no climax, just a winding down.

Here’s how I would have done it, from this point:

Murray: “How is it you have a feeling this is going to end badly.”

Driver: “It’s all like a book I read once.”

M: “What was the name of the book?”

D: “War of the Worlds.”

M: Seriously? Ronnie, that book isn’t about zombies. It’s about Martians.”

D: “Oh yeah. I got confused. Martians. But it ended badly.”

Pause.

M: “It didn’t end so bad. Some virus killed all the Martians.”

Pause.

D: “Cliff…”

M: “Yeah, what?”

D: “What if we’re the Martians?”

Pause

Tilda Swinton appears on a hill nearby, with the cemetery below, police car to the left. She is carrying her samurai sword.

A saucer-shaped UFO appears and lands. Swinton strides forward, decapitating zombies right and left.

A panel in the saucer slides open. A mustached middle-aged man steps out, in a black business suit, holding a pipe. 

Swinton: “Mr. Wells?”

H.G. Wells: “The same.”

S: “Tell me, how does it end.”

Wells: “Well well well. We can’t use a virus, can we? Science tells us it is a virus that causes zombies. We can’t use that one again.”

S: “Pity. Are we doomed, then?”

Wells: “But what happens to you if you catch a virus.” Pointing his pipe.

S: “You die, or you get better.”

Wells: “And the dead don’t die…”

S: “They’re already dead.”

Wells: “So…”

Zombies begin slowly falling all around them.

S: “They get better.”

Wells: “And they go back to being dead.”

S: “Anyway, until the next apocalypse.”

Zombies continue to fall. Wells smiles contentedly and draws on his pipe.

S: “Officers? You can come out now!”

Murray and Driver get out of the police car and slowly approach, looking around at all the fallen and falling zombies.

M: “What happened?”

S: “Gentlemen, let me introduce you to Mr. H. G. Wells. He’ll explain it all to you during the credits.”

D: “Mr. Wells! Can I have your autograph?” Pulls out his police note pad.

M: “I loved you in Citizen Kane.”

Wells: “What?”

S: “No, that was Orson Welles.”

D: “Wait—you mean there’s two of you?”

M: “That’s spooky.”

Roll credits.